March is always a tough month for me and my mental health; it’s a month where I always feel a bit haunted by lost loved ones and my own struggles with suicidal ideation throughout my life. As I’ve gotten older the struggle with my dark intrusive thoughts has gotten more manageable through therapy, practicing self-acceptance and medication. However, the low resonant whispers from the well of despair I dwelled in for much of childhood always tend to creep up on me in March, which tends to resurface old wounds. Music has always been a salve for these old scars on my soul and a very helpful tool for me in processing my feelings. So, what have I been listening to this month and how is this related to that heavy emotional overture I’ve constructed with this opening?

Senses Fail’s 2006 sophomore album “Still Searching” is a concept album which tells the story of a protagonist wrestling with their faith and familial ties which are challenged by an emerging sense of otherness. As the story begins the protagonist is leaving a bad relationship which has them questioning themselves and their relationship to others; they loved their partner so much, even though the relationship was a toxic, codependent mess, and they feel broken and dejected by their inability to make the relationship work. Feeling unworthy of love the protagonist sinks into the pitfalls of alcohol and casual sex as he tries to cope with his crushing loneliness. They try getting help but finds the U.S. mental health system leaves them both numb from medication and struggling to deal with unearthed childhood traumas that further distance the protagonist from their support network. The story culminates in our protagonist jumping off church roof unable to continue living within the hollow empty existence they have created for themselves.

So why does “Still Searching” resonate so deeply with me?  There are so many story beats from the album that are strange echoes of my lived experiences. For example, during the press tour for “Still Searching” Senses Fail’s frontman, Buddy Nielsen, openly discussed his bad experiences with the U.S. mental health system. I relate to this because I was misdiagnosed as bipolar when I was 12 and spent 5 years of my life on antimanic and antipsychotic medications that left me completely emotionally numb and made me feel so disconnected from everyone in my life.  This bad experience left me hesitant to return to a health system that had hurt me and lead to me spending many years of hurting as I tried to heal on my own. Back in September 2024 I hit an emotional rock bottom and I did not know how I could continue living in this depressive loop. At my sibling’s insistence I sought therapy, medication and lifestyle changes and slowly month by month my life has been getting better with help from my amazing medical support team.

Buddy has talked about how he was during the early years of the band he was struggling with addictions and risky sexual behaviors because he was unable to confront his truth, that he is queer. In Buddy’s coming out statement from 2014 he explained “I do not identity as straight or gay or bi and that left me feeling very isolated and shameful. In many ways I felt that my sexuality was wrong, disruptive and needed to be secluded. I feel that if I had been more comfortable with who I was inside and more accepting of my sexuality I could have avoided a lot of suffering.” I relate to that sense of gender and sexual confusion. In my 20’s I found myself in a weird open relationship with a woman who I loved deeply but could not bring myself to connect with physically. At the time I thought it was merely my body dysmorphia, as I really struggle to find many features on my own body that I don’t loathe; I would stare at myself in the mirror and think about how much I hate my body and how if I hate my body my partners would also hate it too. I convinced myself that if I could just carve my body into something more firm and manly that I would be able to open myself up to physical intimacy with my partner. While we were dating for a few years, I lost 200 lbs. and got into the best shape of life weighing in at respectable 275 lbs. on my 6’7” frame but it was never enough for me. No matter how fit I got, all I would see when I stared at myself in the mirror was someone who was unlovable.

Sitting here in the future, looking back on that time with benefits of both hindsight and self-insight, I now know that I am gray-asexual with body dysmorphia; I’m very capable of feeling romantic attraction but I very seldomly feel sexual attraction to anyone. I’m still working through my body image issues but the issues have been getting easier to live with these last couple years as I’m proactively trying to reshape my body around health goals rather than vanity. I’m tracking my macros and biometrics and just focused on keeping the numbers trending in a healthy direction all the while being patient with myself and trying to enjoy the journey.

The last aspect of “Still Searching” that really resonates with me comes from the protagonist’s attempts to signal he needs help. I’ve always read the lyrics to the track “Calling All Cars” as a song with undertones of a suicide note, where the protagonists is trying to get anyone to keep them from going over the edge. The songs that follow it show an arc where they engage in therapy, seek help from their parents and yet they still ultimately succumb to the dark urge to end it all. Growing up in an abusive household, as an autistic kid with way more bullies than friends, I never really felt safe. I was always scared and hurting. I wrote 3 suicide notes growing up and followed up on 2 of those 3 notes with overly dramatic suicide attempts that were more self-mutilation then serious attempt to end my life; each of these attempts occurred in March. These were clearly cries for help and every day I am grateful that they didn’t fall on deaf ears. Thank you, mom, for always advocating for the best care for me even when that care was psychiatric holds.

As March leaves like a lamb, so do too my dark thoughts, as they tend to subside as the calendar gives way to April. I’m always grateful to have art that validates my lived experience and for me “Still Searching” is one of those albums that resonate all the way down to my soul.